route changes, fundraising, and confirmation

when i got an email from my financial advisor, drew, on May 26th, i had no idea how much that little notification would change the course for the rest of my life. the email invited 10 people from the route 3 squad to transfer to route 1. it was a rare opportunity, and it meant a completely new group of people, different countries to travel to, and leaving behind what i thought the world race was going to look like. i felt curiosity first. romania and cambodia were on the lists of new countries, with costa rica being the only constant in the equation. something about romania seemed to entice my heart and stir up a hunger there. i also remembered the words from nathan, one of the men who got me interested in actually going on the race: “one day you’ll be standing on a rooftop in cambodia smiling and wondering how you got there.”  with my interest piqued, i wondered, ‘Papa are you calling me to this?’ 

though i wouldn’t understand for a few days, i felt Him smile. i prayed and imagined and talked about it with my prayer team, but something in my heart knew it was right. i had no idea why, but my heart tugged in that direction, saying ‘c’mon! let’s go!’ but anytime i asked Papa for a ‘yes’ i’d never get a clear answer. until i was spilling all my confusion, longing, and hesitation to my dear friend katie, and she so sweetly said, “you know, sometimes that feeling of it being right is His yes.” 

and i smiled. and i laughed. and then we got out of the car and jumped for joy in the church parking lot because i knew. and dancing around under the street lights, our laughter echoing across the parked cars, i had a necklace bouncing around my neck. it was a christmas gift from katie, and the chain held a key that had a single word stamped on it: belong. 

i had no idea that’s exactly where Papa was taking me. 

my excitement faltered when the full reality of it all hit me. i was now the new girl in a completely new squad. a few others had transferred with me, but i only knew them by the texts from group chats. i was surrounded by people who had already formed friendships and ties, and the enemy creeped in. i got too nervous to say anything in group texts, or to join zoom calls, and it slowly festered to where i didn’t even want to go to bootcamp, our 5 day camp in june. the prospect of meeting everyone filled me with anxious thoughts and insecurities. and there was that nasty voice deep in my head, the one that had been whispering lies to me. “you won’t fit in. you don’t belong here. you’ll just be the awkward quiet girl everyone feels sorry for.” 

my motivation screeched to a halt. i had a fundraising deadline coming up, and my eyes kept anxiously avoiding the support letters sitting on my desk. i knew i wanted to be on the world race. romania was tugging at my heart. cambodia was calling my name. costa rica beckoned me. there were people in each of those places that needed to feel the love of Jesus. and no matter how unequipped i felt, i knew Papa was calling me to love them for Him. but fear had clamped around my heart. 

9 days before bootcamp i still needed $2,240. i got an email saying if the money wasn’t fundraised i couldn’t go to bootcamp. that didn’t sound terrible. i’d just meet everyone later, right? so i prayed, ‘God, it’s in Your will. if You want me to be there, You’ll make it happen.’ i kept this mindset until 2 days before bootcamp. on a monday night i sat on my bedroom floor, poking around my pack, seeing if my tent would fit next to my sleeping bag and i thought maybe going didn’t sound so bad. the next morning i got a phone call from drew at 10:30. 

if the $2,240 wasn’t fundraised by afternoon the next day, i couldn’t go on the world race at all. my heart stopped. i started shaking as Papa laid His hand on my neck and i held it together just long enough to get off the phone before i completely broke down. the past months of procrastinating hit me like a train. what had i done? 

but Papa was smiling. He dried my tears and placed resolve in my heart. He looked me in the eye and with all the knowing power of the universe told me that i was going. tomorrow i’d be at bootcamp and look back on this moment and smile in victory. and He performed miracles. 

all i did was send a few texts and make an instagram post. by 7 o’clock that night Papa had given me a thousand more dollars than i needed. in less than 8 hours He had fundraised $3,204. my advisor asked how i did it, but i didn’t, really. it was Him. He worked in the devout children that happened to follow me on instagram, know my prayer team, or are on my squad, and He fundraised that money. i just sat back in awe, struggling to keep up with the numbers as donations poured in. 

but He’d given me so much more than money. 

He’d given every person who donated a chance to build the kingdom. He’d given me the confidence and surety that i am meant to be on the race. He ignited a spark that i’d been wrong in my fear of my squad and bootcamp, and then He took that spark and engulfed it in flame. because the next night i was standing among the 32 people i’d be traveling across the world with, and that flame rose high into the heavens because i’d finally found what i’d been longing for: home. i felt belonging thrum from my head to my toes and i knew why He had placed me there. and there’s still more to come, i’ll have so many more moments on the race that will open my eyes in understanding of why Papa put me on route 1, but i know in my bones that each moment will always come in confirmation, never doubt.